Today is not about others. It is about me, I hurt and the pain is great! Is there anyone out there that can hear my cries. I am mad, sad, and don't understand why. I put my greif and pain aside because my sister needed me but please tell me why no one understands my pain. Why I have to be strong for every one. Why is it that everyone feels that I need to be OK. Because I am not and I don't want to pretend but this is what everyone wants me to do. They call and write me emails wanting me to say Oh it is a good day. Yes I have good days but mostly because I shove all my fellings into the depths of my heart. Is there no one who can hold my hand and let me cry? I feel so alone and feel that this is one of those times where I just have to suck it up and be a woman. But hell being a mother is hard when your oldest child is dead.
I gave birth to Cryssy 2 weeks after my 16th birthday. I was a baby myself but I felt this is the first person in my life that will love me no matter what. I was wrong and I understand that. But God where is the relief of the pain?
8 comments:
Hi Janet,
I was devastated to see this blog on the web, I had been thinking about Crystal recently and decided to look up her phone number on google, instead I came across the terrible news that she is no longer with us.
You may or may not recall but I met Crystal back in 98/99 when I was travelling the US. We met on a train from Texas to San Francisco when she first moved to the area.
We enjoyed a short but amazing relationship and I remember spending what was a fantastic Christmas and New Year together in the UK and Ireland.
I had contemplated getting in touch with Crystal on many occassions but just never found the time to pick up the phone and call her - now I will never have that opportunity.
I am deeply sorry for your loss and wanted you to know that there is someone on the otherside of the world who has always and will always have a special place in their heart for your daughter.
If it is not too intrusive and considered out of hand I would be grateful if you could tell me what happened. my personal email address is russellhowe@hotmail.com
My sincere and heart felt condolences to you and your family.
Russ
Hey woman, just wanted to let you know that I love you and am here for you. And im also here to tell you don't let anyone else tell you how you should feel....you cry when you want to cry, scream when you want to scream.........noone has a right to make you lock all of this inside. You keep up the great work and spirit and its ok to not have good days. You know were im at if you need me....Love ya
Dear Janet,
It has been years since we last talked and about 2 years since I last spoke to Crystal. I just found out yesterday about her passing and don't have the words to express how deeply crushed I am and sorry for your families loss. I wish I had found out sooner. I'm having a hard time finding...
this is really hard. She was the most amazing person and I loved her very much. We hadn't been in contact in some time, but she was always in my thoughts and I always wondered what she was doing. I was even more saddened to find out the exact date because I ironically was in San Francisco that week. I was fortunate to know her for a short time and will never forget her. We went through a very tough period of her life together and she taught me so many valuable lessons about life and love that changed me forever. I'm a better man for having known her. Sorry I'm jumping around in my thoughts but I just have so many things going through my head right now over this. I know it is a very tough time for your family, and I wish I could do something to help ease your pain. Please feel free to contact me anytime as I may have some photos and stories to lovingly share with your family. I am trying desperatly to find out what happened to her.
I'm truely sorry,
Jason Cruz
jmcruz37@yahoo.com
Jason are you our Pinky? I can not remember what Pinky's last name was. I would really like to know. Please post any stories and comments you have about Crystal. I am having a very hard time dealling with Cryssy's passing. It does me good to hear from her friends. I love the stories that you guys have about my beloved Cryssy.
Thank you
Janet
Yes it's me,
Jeez, stories...
More than I can remember. One of my favorite memories is our valentines day or 1 year anniversary. They were very close together and I hate that I don't know exactly which one it was but, she had just shaved her head in mourning of the loss of her grandmother. I was told I couldn't come out of our bedroom until noon. (I was in art school so I was able to sleep in a lot). When I stepped out of the room, she had hung about 3 dozen purple cardboard stars from the cieling with string. This was in the apt. we had with the cameras in it for that internet show. She left me a not that said, "follow the stars to find your true love". I walked out of the apt. (after getting dressed of course), and there was a purple star painted on the sidewalk just outside of our apt. This was her first graffiti tag. :)
I turned right and headed up the street to find another star stenciled on the ground. I ended up following these stars about 6 blocks until I was in the park we enjoyed by our place in the Fillmore District. The park was on this hill and had these huge trees. It had an amazing view of the city. We had climbed a tree about a month earlier and it was a funny/romantic spot for us to go every now and then. Anyway, once Igot to the park I knew exactly where she was,
in the tree.
She had bought this ridiculous purple dress from a thrift shop and some purple shoes and had her nails painted purple along with purple make up on. She had covered the ground around the tree with purple glitter and hung more stars on the tree. She was sitting up there with a picnic basket and wine for us to celebrate with. I laughed my ass off when I saw her and to this day still tell everyone I can about it. I'm not a fast typer so maybe I'll share just the one for now. I'd love to tell them all so please feel free to give me a call. If you could shoot me an email with your contact info I would really appreciate it. I called off work today. I thought I'd be ok, telling myself she was just an ex girlfriend, but she really meant a lot to me as a friend. I cared a great deal for her and I'm deeply...
man, I'm sorry. I'ts hard to type when your crying.
jay
janet, i read your blog today, 10/14/06, and my heart was heavy for you. i was trying to think of something to say and realized that anything i would say could not bring comfort to your heart. so i decided to go to the one place that could....
"For the Lamb Who is in the midst of the throne will be their Shepherd, and He will guide them to the springs of the waters of life; and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes." Rev 7:17
Janet, when i read that passage, i see a very intimate portrail of how much God cares for us. There is a whole study on the Shepherd and what it means to be a Shepherd. He was always with the sheep. He slept witht them, ate with them, got dirty with them, he smelt like them, he loved them. I can see that in your life. God loves you and is walking this part of your life with you. He is crying with you, getting mad with you...but He also takes His gentle hand and wipes your tears away. Just like you did when Crystal was a child....with the same tenderness. If you let Him, He will guide you to the springs of life so that you can drink and be refreshed. I cannot even attempt to say that I know how you feel, because I don't. No words I or anyone can say will fill up the giganic hole in your sole. Only HE can...the gentle Shepherd. I pray these sayings brought you some comfort! Just know that you do have a family of friends out here and you are not alone! :) love ya, angie
I just want to take the time to say Thank you to everyone. This has been a very hard week for me. I appreciate your prayers and kindness very much. I know it will take some time to become normal again and yet some how I know normal will be different the normal I knew before. I like readding all the stories everyone has so if you remember any more please feel free to add them. I am going to try to get more pictures of Cryssy scanned in and posted this week.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Janet
Hi Janet,
How are you doing honey, i wish i could be there, i will be home soon November 12, i will arrive at Bush Airport.I will call you as soon as i can i only have 14 days at home. It's been real rough in Iraq in the past month. I really wish i could have be there but it would have taken me 5 days to get home and at that time nobody could leave the site, roads were really bad and flying hell they were trying to shoot at the dang plane.
I love you and i will see you soon
Shirley
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