Country Living

Trip to San Fran

2007-07-23T12:03:00.000-07:00

For all Cryssy's friends who may still be in the Bay Area. Her sisters will be making the trip in her honor this coming weekend. It will be a year exactly from the date of her passing and her sisters feel they want to be in San Fran to mark this annual passing. Please let me know if you would like to meet up with them and show them some of your fav places that you went with Cryssy. I will not be making the trip as I am not ready!

If you do not live in the Bay Area, Please pray for them as I think this is going to be a harder trip then they realize.

Love,
Janet

Life after death

2007-04-12T21:56:00.000-07:00

OK for those of you that worry about me, don't. I have God and a great family! Life is hard when you lose a child but it does not stop. Work, school, and life continues whether you want it to or not. At some point you have to pick up the pieces and go on. Things hit me at strange times, but over all I am OK. At times I can feel Cryssy saying "Mom I Love you!" Other times I talk to birds and animals ( OK maybe not normal on second thought maybe you should worry) ;)~ but seriously I am OK.

Here is what I have learned from all this; life is truly short seize the moment, not the day to many moments in a day SEIZE THE MOMENT! Feel what you feel and know that it is OK. Live for happiness. Don't dwell on the bad. I have and it is ugly! Just ask Rick he can tell you. I have had and will continue to have my break downs, and I am OK knowing this. Dates like Cryssy's B-day that was hard.I went the whole day knowing I would have a hard time. At the end of the day I did. The end of every month I get weird, as long as Rick knows why he can handle me. Rick is truly a God send for me. He loves me, knows that I am sometimes strange, happy, sad, loving, soft and caring all in the same day. He knew this before but failed to really understand it. I know he understands it now. OK maybe just maybe Cryssy got it from me.
In all of life during the past 8 1/2 months since she passed. Wow 8 1/2 months seems like last week. But yes it has been that long since her funeral. We have continued to live and have entertained many times in our home since that date. Happenings since July 29Th; Jenny had her B-day Aug 3 the day before Cryssy's funeral, not one she will forget, George passed on Sept 11, my sister's husband. Andrew played football for the first time! He did OK for a first timer. It was good for me to get out yell for the team. Get out of myself and see the big picture. Andrew, Jackie and Cindy had B-days in Nov, Rick went on unemployment and I went back to work for a temp agency, not doing that so much after several calls with your job is over. Thanksgiving we had family here as usual. Dec. we saw the end of football, I finished Kingwood College, and Christmas as normal people do and it was good. Jan. came and went, Feb. was my B-day, I planted seeds for the garden watched them grow and took care of them like kids, March Cryssy's B-day,and now we are in April, Easter was great family and grand kids here for eggs and food! We have had many friends and family over and parties for their B-days. Life does go on and there is no stopping it. So embrace it and find your happiness

Temp Bridge

2007-04-12T21:34:00.000-07:00

This is the temporary bridge that Rick made. The raft is one that Andrew and I take to look around the pond. Andrew and Kiwi our dog have made trips without me :(~ Oh well Andrew is 12 and is allowed fun on his own.

Work in Progres

2007-04-12T21:29:00.000-07:00

Here are the new photos of the island after cutting back the brush.

Beaver Dam

2007-04-12T08:24:00.000-07:00

This picture is of the Beaver dam in the back of the pond. We had a couple of beavers move in and make the dam cut a few trees down I even found the hole where they dug under the Island to make a home. We have not seen any sign of them lately so I wonder if they are still there. But they left their mark on the island and pond. I also found Duck eggs on the island, these things have been left there as they are natural and that is what should be.

Things Cryssy loved were her bunny, her Siamese cats, Lucy and Sadie who both died here while she was in New Orleans cleaning up after Katrina. Yes I am bad as they died while I had them. Well anyway, she loved; animals, graffiti art, her ladder that she brought home when she came to Texas for awhile, boys she loved her boys all of them! her friends, family, music, natural things like flowers and vitamins, poetry, journals she has more then 20 journals that she kept during her short lifetime. One day I might read them, just not yet. She loved expensive things like vintage clothes and some crazy clothes like her Chucks that were worn out and still wore them with holes and rips. Which she could not wash because she knew they would not stay together. She loved cheap clothes from Goodwill and resale shops. She loved to dress up even though she did not match in our eyes she felt pretty in what she wore even if everyone else looked at her and thought WOW. She wore what she liked and it did not matter what others thought.

First Bridge

2007-04-12T08:16:00.000-07:00

Front of Pond with the first bridge. Rick has made a temporary bridge and we are working on a permanent one. My brother David and Rick are working on making what is in my head. Ha ha ha. This is fun, see what is in my head now make it. Well anyway hopefully I can find the words to describe what I visualize.

Back of pond

2007-04-12T08:13:00.000-07:00

Personalize It!

2007-04-12T07:56:00.000-07:00

I will be sending this page to everyone I know and want you all to know that you are welcome to have your input on the Island. If you have or find something you want to add to the Island you are free to send it or come and add it to what others have done. Cryssy was very unique and I want the Island to show her personality. She was playful, funny, sophisticated and elegant yet strange at times. This is what I see on the Island. I have told my children that could have sections that they chose to do what they want in memory of Cryssy and this invitation extends to everyone. If you see a wind chime, statue, fountain or anything else that reminds you of her Please fell free to add it. Some things I have bought so far; a rabbit statue, in memory of her rabbits she had, a plague that says in "Dedicated in Loving Memory of Crystal Hope Lilley",and a small statue that says "HOPE" with a star cut out of it. These seem to be easy to find and say what I need is Hope. I named her after my mother Maxine Hope Lilley, I am glad I did. I will be adding pictures of the Island from time to time so everyone can see what is being done and how it is coming along.

Cryssy Pond

2007-04-12T07:46:00.000-07:00

Cryssy Pond Well I cut down the Yopons and now I need to burn them off. And start putting flowers out there. I have a vision for the Island as it will be a garden for Cryssy. I want wind chimes, benches and climbing vines. I am going to put my hammock chair out there. I think we need a ladder maybe put vines on it. I wish I had an Army of people to help me do it quickly, I know this will be a labor of love and patience. It will not get finished overnight. But I can see what it looks like. Cryssy was unique and this garden will be also. I want laminated Pictures of her out there so I can see it when I go sit out there. Pictures of her when she was little and then the ones I like to most showing just how beautiful she was.

Happy Birthday Cryssy

2007-03-09T06:03:00.000-08:00

Hi ya'll!
I know it has been awhile and for that I apologize. Today is Cryssy's birthday, she would have been 31. In her honor we are looking at getting a headstone. I have not met with the people who will make it yet but have spoken to them. Reggie says it will cost from $800 to $1,000. I have had request to allow many of you to help pay for it and so here it is. If anyone would like to contribute to her headstone then please email me at jbgates555@earthlink.net. I will let you know how to do so.

I am also make a garden area for her. I am expecting several rose bushes to be delivered at the end of this month. I decided to put the garden near the pond. Our pond has an island in the middle which we named Andrew Island after we moved here because he loved it so much. We are going to build a bridge and plant flowers and a tree there. Anyone living in the area are free to come by and help if they so wish. If any of her friends come to Porter, we would love for you to stop by and chat or even work in Cryssy Garden at any time.

My kids are worried about me, because of today's date. So far so good, other than no sleeping last night. Andrew hurt his ankle at school and slept with us and Rick was snoring hard so I slept on the couch which did not help anything.

On a good note next week is Spring break and Andrew is looking for to it. Little does he know he will be going to work with mom and dad. ;)~ Oh well we have to have things to look forward to huh.

Well gotta go do trim on cabinets now.

Love you all
Janet

Happily Ever After

2006-12-24T00:15:00.000-08:00

Freedom

2006-12-24T00:05:00.000-08:00

After getting away safely, she felt the fish telling her directions as to where to go. She followed the directions and upon arriving at the mansion, as she left the buggie in the drive and walked up to the door. She turned the handle and entered, as she enter the mansion she was transformed into a Princess. The dress was beautiful and as she was gorgeous. She was so excited to have this dream come true; all she could do was dance. She feed the fish and celebrated their new found life.

Setting the fish free

2006-12-23T23:55:00.000-08:00

The pictures tell a story of a fish that wanted a better life. The fish seemed to speak to the girl and the girl knew she had to take it home. The girl had no money and so she decided to risk it all to set the fish free. She grabbed the fish in his bowl set him safely in the shopping cart. Then when she felt the coast was clear she ran out the door buggie, fish and all. She looked back to make sure they were free and ran with all her might.

In searchof the Photograher

2006-12-23T23:42:00.000-08:00

Crystal had some pictures taken by a friend that was a photograher. THese are those pics. I am looking for this guy, as I would like to have more of these pics. If any one knows the man please let me know so that I can talk to him.

Thank you
Janet

As Time Passes

2006-11-12T21:08:00.000-08:00

Well I know the last couple of blogs have been hard to read. So here is a lighter one. For those of you who have continued to send your well wishes even after reading what I wrote I thank you. It is hard to live through this type of thing, but it makes it easier to know there are friends who are loving and loyal even in the face of hard words. These last couple of post go directly to a few people and not to everyone whom I know.

OK Andrew turned 12 on Sat. He also played 2 football games 1 win, 1 loss. Then we had the team over to sit and hang out we cooked and ate and had a great time. Then 6 of the players spent the night as well as 2 neighbor boys. Wow can I say insane, to have 9, 10-13 yr old boys over night and all the next day. I am insane now if I wasn't before. They ate tons of pancakes for lunch because I was to tired to cook them before noon. But a great time was had by all, the boys were good and got along with each other just great. Not one single fight which I felt was simply amazing. Andrew got Crystal's PSP for his big present and he will cherish it for the rest of his life. He has wanted one for awhile now. But the fact it was Cryssy's before is the best. Now he has something that was hers and it is something he wanted. I couldn't have asked for more to see his face and understand how he felt.

Thank ya'll for hanging in there with me, and to all the new people I have met that were Cryssy's friends thank you for loving her and being her friend.

Love and Peace
Janet

Life is Precious

2006-10-31T23:52:00.000-08:00

Today, 10-31, while talking to BroDon on the phone he is praying for me and my family, a Parakeet flew into my garage. We finish praying, I watched the bird all the while. After hanging up with him I slowly walk over to the bird speaking softly to him. I laid my hand on the floor near where the bird was sitting, and continued to talk letting him know I mean no harm. He came up to my hand, and then backed away. I tried to catch him and he flew away, but not too far. I continued talking to the bird trying to catch him. By the third try I was successful. I held this beautiful bird in my hands looking at him and talking to him as if he was a person. Perhaps Crystal, I know that sounds absurd but given the circumstances I feel that maybe this was a symbol of her. Once caught and held the plan unfolded, where to keep him and take care of him. I do not have a bird cage and where do I find one cheap? We found a container I felt is ok. I went to resale shop after resale shop trying to find a bird cage to keep him in. It took me 3 hours to find a cage and then buy the items needed to care for a bird. I arrived home with excitement that I am prepared to take care of this small helpless creature. We put the cage together and get the food and water ready for his new found home, only to find that in the 3 hours it took me to get this together he has died.

Now if taken in all life's reality we can assume that if this bird was Cryssy in real life. There is a lesson to be learned. Finding life that you are responsible for and the excitement of that you prepare for it and no sooner do you find the way, it is taken from you. This life be it a bird or child once you figure out how to take care of it, it is sometimes taken from you. Did I grieve for the bird no, I only wish I had a real chance to do it justice.

Did I do Cryssy justice? Well I would like to think so, however, with her move to San Fran. I could not do what I needed to do. The distance and cost of jumping when she really needed me exceeded the monetary ability to help. So where does this leave Cryssy and I? There were times I could have but did not have the money. There were the times I was there and did not spend the time with her that I could have. The moral of this story is that if you have the ability and chance to help, Do it!

My motto in life has been for many years, "Life is all attitude, so have a good one!" I know that Cryssy held the same attitude but she put hers into her own words and lived it as her own. She was a great daughter and will be missed by all.

Grief

2006-10-10T20:44:00.000-07:00

I sit alone at night and ask, "Where's my Cryssy?
In a voice mail the night before, Cryssy told me how much she loved me. I am a devastated, grieving mother and I didn't know life could be this painful. No, it's not painful, it's torture. She was my first precious baby and I can't see her anymore.

Her sisters, Jackie, Jenny, and Cindy, and her little brother Andrew are all grieving with the loss of a sister. I pray that they'll be all right.
Cryssy was 30 years old, and Jackie is 28. They were only 21 months apart. They've been through a lot together and now she's gone. Now, as I sit here at my desk, I am completely unable to function. I have stacks of bills I haven't paid since Cryssy died, and I'm so lost, I can't bring myself to care. I can't really talk to people very well.
Was it not for a group of beautiful people in my life. My loving husband, Rick, our other 4 kids, my sister, Kay and her kids I would be completely alone. Most folks, including my own brother David, don't get it, and does not want to get it. So, they never will.
In response to the impending memorial for my daughter, my oldest brother called me: I'm sorry for your loss, but due to previous plans, I will be unable to attend the wake. That was it; he did the services (but not like he was asked to.) Wow, thanks for reaching out bro. You're all heart. Why not just kick my teeth in, take my wallet and burn my house down?
Being a bereaved parent is like being a leper. Nobody wants to touch you for fear of catching the one disease that no one will ever want. It's an affliction so horrible that people don't talk about it.
And damn near all the people in your life just want you to quit your whining and get over it and revert back to whom you once were. They want you to do that because they're only compelled to serve their own narcissistic needs, and all they know is that you're really messing with their comfort zone.
And since the real-you (whom they really never taken the time to know) has never been a consideration, they couldn't possibly believe you possess either the intelligence nor the sensitivity to see through their illusion. They do not know anything about your newly found, yet unwanted x-ray-cut-through-tripe-vision. So, they remain confident that if they simply apply the because-I-care decoy, you somehow will not notice the Mt. Rushmore of truth that is staring you dead in the face.
The horrible thing that you discover about all these so-called friends and loved-ones is that, although their posture of superficiality is consistent - you know, the we care about you thing, their actions speak volumes. And eventually, an even-more heart-breaking realization breaks the surface: In all the time you have known them, they have never loved you, so much as they have loved themselves through you.
And you further realize that, to them, you have simply stepped out of character. You are no longer playing that Clockwork role they cast for you. You are just not sticking to the script. People, lets break for lunch. It is a frightening revelation, and at the same time, you actually feel sorry for them.
You are saddened and angered by the realization that they are a long way from being alive, because if they were incapable of extending true, unconditional love to you in your time of dire need, they are about as alive as Elvis. And truthfully, all you really want or need from them is just a resembling of understanding. That is all. You do not need money, things, and you damn-sure do not need advice that is motivated by someone else's need to hear themselves talk, while getting you back into character.
And I tell you this: I pray that you never do? But if and when you ever lose a child, you will know like you have never known before that you are alive, because every cell in your body will writhe in agony.
And so it is that even without having asked for it, you are suddenly being introduced to life and death at the same time. Oh, how do you do? My name is Janet, the dead girls mom.
What becomes abundantly clear is, if these so-called friends and loved-ones were acting out of love and kindness, they would realize that losing a child is a loss that knows no parallel, and they would stop being driven by their own selfish needs. In short, they would understand.
But they are so disinterested in learning about the magnitude of your loss, they do not have a clue that you no longer have the luxury of being the person you were, nor will you ever. It amazes me, that they never even stop to think that, given the choice you would never have agreed to live on the deserted island of depression, anger, grief and despair, where you now reside. Yet you are marooned. A month after Cryssy died, my sisters husband George died from Kidney Cancer he had been fighting for 1 year. The compassion continues, as I am the one comforting them.
And to date, I do not seem to be in any shape to help anyone else when I can not help myself. What I am interested in is the one that suffers from insomnia and spins around in my mind, day-in/day-out, simply wanting to know, "where's my Cryssy?"

ME

2006-10-02T00:05:00.000-07:00

Today is not about others. It is about me, I hurt and the pain is great! Is there anyone out there that can hear my cries. I am mad, sad, and don't understand why. I put my greif and pain aside because my sister needed me but please tell me why no one understands my pain. Why I have to be strong for every one. Why is it that everyone feels that I need to be OK. Because I am not and I don't want to pretend but this is what everyone wants me to do. They call and write me emails wanting me to say Oh it is a good day. Yes I have good days but mostly because I shove all my fellings into the depths of my heart. Is there no one who can hold my hand and let me cry? I feel so alone and feel that this is one of those times where I just have to suck it up and be a woman. But hell being a mother is hard when your oldest child is dead.

I gave birth to Cryssy 2 weeks after my 16th birthday. I was a baby myself but I felt this is the first person in my life that will love me no matter what. I was wrong and I understand that. But God where is the relief of the pain?

Cryssy

2006-09-24T01:34:00.000-07:00

MY last voice mail

2006-09-24T00:22:00.000-07:00

When I get a microphone for my PC I will put this voicemail on this blog. Crystal called me Thursday before she passed on Fri-Sat. Thank you Angie for emailing me so that I was trying so hard to get a hold of Cryssy! Here is what Cryssy said.... } "Hey Mom it's Crystal, I was actually talking about you and telling Anthony, my boyfriend, how good you were and how much I Love you about the wonderful things you did while you were raising us. Its funny you called me at the same time. hum I miss you and I love you call me back! Call me back And I have a lot of cool stuff to tell you. Call me back!"
I had a bad night and taped my feelings on the same tape. I thought I had taped over her voice mail. After a couple of days I stopped and played the whole tape and found it! Let me tell you that you need to remember that the voice mail you leave might be the last your parents or friends hear so love and be nice.

Signing out
Janet

As time goes by

2006-09-23T23:59:00.000-07:00

It has been over a month since my last post. I hope everyone forgives my absence. My sisters husband, George, passed last week. This past 6 weeks has by far been the hardest of my life. God is good and keeps me in His arms. George, tell Cryssy I love her. Tell Carmen and Mom I will see them when God is ready for me too. Life is short and God is good!

San Fran Memorial for Cryssy

2006-08-10T12:01:00.000-07:00

On Saturday Aug. 5 2006 Crystal's Friends gathered at a park in San Francisco to remember her. These are some of the pictures that were taken. They made posters, brought her favorite food and drinks along with candles and flowers. A dress they wish she could have worn hangs in the tree next to the posters that were made. Elad one of Crystals old boyfriens took these pictures.

Hi Janet.
I'm glad you got the pictures. They do the memorial no justice. There were a lot of people there and they were all genuinely devastated. They were all enamored with her. She had this larger than life super-star quality that affected everyone.
I hope that she was happy when she left. I hope she wasn't scared. I hope that she knew how much I always loved her. I hope she realized how wonderful she really was.
Cindy said you had some pictures of us, and if it's not too much trouble and if you have any to spare I would really appreciate it if you could send me some. I've included my address.
I want you to know that Crystal always appreciated how hard things were for you and that you did all you could for your children. Please take care of yourself. Give my best to everyone. Rick and your grandchildren too.

Warmest regards.
Elad

Cryssy

2006-08-07T12:24:00.000-07:00

I LOVE YOU
MOM

MY BIG SISTER

2006-07-31T12:48:00.000-07:00

CRYSTAL WAS THE BEST BIG SISTER I COULD EVER ASK FOR.
SHE WAS THE MOST UNIQUE PERSON WITH THE GREATEST PERSONALITY.
ALOT OF PEOPLE DIDNT UNDERSTAND CRYSTAL,GOSH HALF THE TIME
CRYSTAL DIDNT UNDERSTAND CRYSTAL.BUT SHE ALWAYS KNEW THE
RIGHT THING TO SAY,WEITHER SHE WOULD LISTEN TO HER
OWN ADVICE OR NOT SHE ALWAYS COULD TELL ME WHAT I NEEDED
TO HEAR TO GET ME RIGHT BACK ON TRACK.SHE LOVED SO HARD!!!!
SHE LOVED HER FAMILY.I KNOW WE ALL USE TO ARGUE BUT WHEN IT
CAME DOWN TO IT CRYSTAL WAS THE ONE WITH THE BIGGEST HEART OF US ALL!!!
I AM GOING TO MISS HER SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I DONT KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO DO WITHOUT MY ROCK!!!!!!
CRYSTAL COULD ALWAYS TAKE THE WORST SITUATION AND MAKE IT OK AND
GIVE IT 2 MINUTES SHE WOULD HAVE YOU LAUGHIN SO HARD YOU WANT TO CRY.
FOR ME CRYSTAL KEPT THIS FAMILY TOGETHER.SHE HAD HER OWN WAY OF
RELATING WITH EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US.SHE WILL ALWAYS BE MY H.W.H.
NOW I HAVE A HUGE HOLE IN MY HEART THAT ONLY CRYSTAL COULD FILL!!!!!
H.W.H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I LOVE YOU SOFTLIPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!AND MISS YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS!!!!!!!!!
LOVE ALWAYS,WIMPY
Cindy

The arms of God

2006-07-31T05:10:00.000-07:00

Years ago I used to cry out to God to hold me in his arms. I am unsure now why I needed Gods arms around me but I struggled and told God that I knew He was big but that in my mind the only thing God could not do was to reach down and hold me with His arms. Tonight As I lay crying in our bed Rick held me tight and refuse to let me go. The pain that seems to go through every pore of my body is so deep that I can only compare it to a Tsunami. It starts inside my head, thinking about my dear Cryssy and how beautiful she is (oh I guess was might be the right term.)Then it goes to my heart and like the plates under ocean slowly moving apart the pain pours from between the cracks. As a result the tears flow like rivers and the body quakes without control. As I sat up to try and breathe I grab what I can find to hold on to in hopes of not falling apart only to find the arms already wrapped around me holding me with a grip that can only be described as GOD. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God loves me even in the midst of pain I feel of having to bury my oldest daughter. God showed me that he is and always has been holding me when the pain is great. But because he loves me so much he gave me a man named Rick Gates to be His arms. So that in a time of the greatest pain I have ever felt I could feel God. Now some might say that if I had faith I could feel God's arms. But My God knows me and He knew that I was going to need this man to hold me together.

Cryssy I LOVE YOU
Rick Thank you for loving me! I could not do this without you.
God Thank you for loving me so much that I have been blessed to have been a part of a bigger world than what my fingers can touch.